


Serotonin

by notallballs (notallbees)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Children, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Kid Fic, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Canon, References to Depression, Single Parent Ushijima Wakatoshi, Single Parents, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2020-07-19 04:23:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19967986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notallbees/pseuds/notallballs
Summary: Tooru's eyes drifted over to the stranger as the man took a seat. He turned toward Tooru as he did so, and the sight of him almost made Tooru drop his wallet. It was at least eight or nine years since they’d seen one another in person, but there was no mistaking that blocky, stupid face, or the infuriatingly calm expression it wore.“Ushiwaka!” Tooru said loudly, eyes widening.Ushijima looked up, and when his eyes settled on Tooru, his expression took on a look of mild surprise. “Oikawa,” he said. "Good morning."A chance meeting with an old rival gives Oikawa the opportunity to re-evaluate his life, and an unlikely friendship develops into something more.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i've been working on this since forever but [ushioi month](https://twitter.com/ushioi_fanmonth/status/1127599752776781824) was a good excuse to finally start getting it out there! :3 for day 23/7 - single dad au
> 
> did u miss me writing about depression? ha HA i never stopped.

It was the first time in several months that Tooru had a Saturday to himself. He rose early and went to the gym, then walked to the bakery along the street to find something to eat. The staff knew him well, as he called in most days on his way to work, but their usual greeting was missing when he stepped inside. He pasted on a brilliant grin and tossed his hair out of his eyes, waiting for them to ask why he was so late, why he was dressed for running instead of for work, but he soon saw that their attention was occupied elsewhere. 

A tall man stood at the far end of the counter, cradling a very small baby in his arms, which the giggly baristas Itsumi and Chisato were fawning over in high pitched voices.

Tooru’s smile slipped slightly. He walked over to the counter and leaned against it, affecting a casually bored pose before calmly clearing his throat. 

Chisato looked round, eyes widening. “Oikawa-san!”

“Oh, hello, Chisato-chan.”

“We thought maybe you were sick,” she said, hurrying around behind the counter. 

“Just enjoying some rare time off,” he said, making effort to keep up the smile when a shrill cry came from off to his left. 

Chisato looked longingly in the man's direction. “I love babies, don't you?" She sighed, and Tooru smiled tightly.

"Of course I do."

Chisato beamed at him. “Would you like your regular, Oikawa-san?”

“No, I—”

Tooru's eyes drifted over to the stranger as the man took a seat. He turned toward Tooru as he did so, and the sight of him almost made Tooru drop his wallet. It was at least eight or nine years since they’d seen one another in person, but there was no mistaking that blocky, stupid face, or the infuriatingly calm expression it wore. 

“Ushiwaka!” Tooru said loudly, eyes widening. 

Ushijima looked up, and when his eyes settled on Tooru, his expression took on a look of mild surprise. “Oikawa,” he said. "Good morning."

“What’re you doing here?” Tooru asked, not bothering to disguise the offense in his tone. What did Ushijima think he was doing, turning up in the bakery two blocks from Tooru’s apartment?

“Getting coffee,” Ushijima said. A soft cry interrupted them, and when he glanced down at the bundle in his arms, Tooru belatedly put together the pieces of what he was seeing. 

Ushijima had a baby. _Ushijima_. There was no reason that Tooru should’ve known about Ushijima getting married, but it irked him all the same, that something like that could have slipped his notice. Perhaps it just irked him that someone had agreed to marry Ushijima. 

After a moment, the baby settled, and Ushijima looked up again. His eyes lingered on Tooru’s face for several seconds, frowning slightly. “Would you—like to join us?”

"Join you!” Tooru exclaimed, his voice far too loud.

Chisato set down a takeaway cup on the end of the encounter. “Oikawa-san?”

“Oh, thank you, Chisato-chan!” 

Tooru had intended to order something different for a change, but he didn't bother to correct Chisato for making his regular order. 

The other barista, Itsumi, stepped around the end of the counter and presented a bottle to Ushijima. "Here you go, Ushijima-san," she said, handing it over and then darting back behind Chisato, blushing furiously. 

Ushijima took it with a quiet word of thanks, and tested the heat on the back of his hand before lifting the arm cradling the baby and nudging the teat of the bottle toward her tiny mouth.

It wasn't until Ushijima looked up, eyebrows furrowed, that Tooru realised he was staring. 

"Ah, uh—congratulations," Tooru said, reaching for his takeaway cup. 

"Thank you," Ushijima said, continuing to frown at him. “How have you been?" he asked after a moment, holding Tooru's gaze a few seconds more before turning his attention back to the baby. She was fussing, wriggling a little in Ushijima's arms and refusing to latch on to the teat. "You must eat, Mariko-chan," Ushijima said in a quiet, solemn voice.

Tooru snorted softly. It gave him a vindictive thrill to see Ushijima struggling with a difficult child, and he was particularly delighted by the image of Ushijima attempting to reason with a six month old. 

“You look…well," Ushijima said at last, looking up again. 

Tooru blinked. “Of course I do, Ushiwaka-chan,” he said, that practised smile stretching his face again. “You didn’t think I’d let myself get out of shape, did you?”

Ushijima shrugged, looking down at his baby who had finally accepted the bottle and started sucking ravenously. “It hadn't occurred to me."

“Well,” Tooru said, with the annoying sense that he’d been dismissed. “I should be going. Chisato-chan, Itsumi-chan, lovely to see you as always.”

The baristas didn’t notice his farewell, as they had already gone back to admiring Ushijima’s baby. Incensed, Tooru allowed himself to scowl briefly in their direction before turning on his heel and marching back outside. 

—

“You should’ve seen it, Iwa-chan!”

Tooru had called Iwaizumi almost the moment he got home. He stalked around his bedroom as they talked, wearing out his frustration on the thick rug.

Iwaizumi sighed. _“Shittykawa, you told me something serious had happened. I thought you were going to say you got fired, or you’re sick or something.”_

“Of course it’s serious!” Tooru snapped. “Ushiwaka went and got married! And had a baby to boot!”

_“Yeah, I heard you the first time. So?”_

“So!” Tooru said, before trailing off again. On his way home from the cafe he'd tried to determine just what it was about seeing Ushijima that had so unsettled him, but had finally given the attempt up as hopeless. Ushijima just rubbed him up the wrong way. Always had, always would. “Well!" he said, when he couldn't think of anything to justify his reaction. "It’s just unfair, isn’t it? I’m still single, and I’m _far_ prettier than Ushiwaka, not to mention much more likeable.”

_”Debatable.”_

Tooru scowled at the phone. “No, Iwa-chan, it isn’t.”

_“Did you have any actual news, or can I go back to my life?”_

“Don’t you think it's remarkable?” Tooru asked. He sat down on the edge of his bed with a _whump_. “Ushiwaka and a baby.”

_”Tooru, loads of our friends have babies.”_

“Yes, but not _Ushiwaka._ ”

_”Why do you even care? You hate babies.”_

“I know.”

_”And you hate Ushiwaka.”_

“I _know_.”

 _”So?”_ Iwaizumi asked with growing exasperation.

Tooru sighed. He was amazed he'd been humored this long, and made a mental note to buy Iwaizumi something extra special for his birthday this year. “I honestly don’t know," he admitted, the fight going out of him. "I suppose it just…shook me, that’s all. I’m nearly thirty-six and what have I even done with my life since quitting volleyball?”

_”Uh, made a shitload of cash?”_

“Great,” Tooru said flatly. He lay back on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. “Don’t you ever wish you’d settled down and had kids?”

 _”Hell no,”_ Iwaizumi said. _”Can you imagine how much worse the divorce would be if we’d had kids?”_

“Oh, you know I didn’t mean that,” Tooru said dismissively. “I mean if you’d married someone better, Emiko was _clearly_ not right for you.”

Iwaizumi had married a woman he met at university, a strident corporate lawyer with a lovely smile and a foul mouth. Tooru liked her a great deal, but she and Iwaizumi had radically different opinions on almost everything, and they fought often.

A weighty pause followed his words. _”Wow.”_

Tooru grimaced, replaying his own words in his head. “Ah, Hajime—”

_”No no, tell us how you really feel, Shittykawa.”_

"Well you can't say I'm _wrong,_ " he said in a huff.

Iwaizumi snorted. _"Go fuck yourself, Tooru."_

"Iwa—"

But when Tooru looked at his phone, Iwaizumi had already hung up on him. He dropped the phone onto the bed and covered his face with both hands, groaning loudly. Even after all this time, he never knew when to stop talking. Still, Iwaizumi didn't help matters by hanging up on him instead of talking it over. Tooru had just as much right to be annoyed as he did. 

Sighing, Tooru sat up and considered making himself some tea. Part of him wanted to call his mother, but he hadn't spoken to any of his family in weeks, and he felt too ashamed to call now. Not to mention that his mother took every opportunity now to hint that she was still eagerly awaiting a daughter in law and another round of grandchildren, even though Takeru already had children of his own. The last time Tooru had been home, his mother had haltingly tried to ask whether he might not be interested in girls after all. He grimaced, pushing the thought from his mind.

Standing up, he went through the motions of his usual stretching routine, then changed into his workout gear and jogged the few blocks to his gym. The bank of treadmills were empty, and he happily took the one furthest from the door, eager to lose himself in the rhythm of exercise. 

—

Four days later, Tooru was at the gym again, working through his usual routine and moping about the fact that Iwaizumi still hadn't returned his calls. The exercise was helping to calm his thoughts, until he stepped off the treadmill at exactly the moment Ushijima walked into the gym. 

"You cannot be serious," Tooru muttered to himself. He turned away, burying his face in his towel in the hopes that Ushijima wouldn't notice him. 

He was rather annoyed when it worked. Tooru watched out of the corner of his eye as Ushijima used the same treadmill he had been on, sneering privately at his heavy, rhythmic footfalls. He kept one eye on his rival as he completed his circuit, and was annoyed when Ushijima dropped out of sight, only to appear suddenly and take a seat on the rowing machine beside his own. Tooru tried to ignore him, but when he stood up finally, Ushijima caught his eye and gave him a stiff, polite nod before looking deliberately away. 

Tooru stormed out of the gym without finishing his session. So much for stress relief. 

After that, he started to see Ushijima everywhere. Always in passing, thankfully, because if Tooru had to stop to talk to him again he wouldn't have been able to be polite.

They saw each other at the gym twice more. Once, to Tooru's mortification, in the communal showers. He forced himself not to take too much notice of Ushijima's still _excellent_ physique. 

Most of the time when Tooru saw him, Ushijima was out with his baby: walking in the park with her where Tooru liked to jog; sitting in the cafe where they'd first seen one another; browsing through the children's section of a bookstore where Tooru was hunting for a gift for Takeru's toddler. 

Tooru didn't seem to be able to escape him. It was infuriating. 

The one small consolation was that Iwaizumi finally forgave him after a week, although it wasn't until several weeks later that they were finally able to meet up. Tooru made sure to show at least a cursory interest in Iwaizumi's life before launching into a furious description of Ushijima's outrageous ability to show up constantly when he wasn't wanted, not to mention his infuriating insistence on acting as though Tooru barely existed. 

"You probably did something to deserve it," Iwaizumi said, giving him a vicious kick under the table when Tooru attempted to steal a piece of his chicken. "Karmically, I mean."

"Iwa-chan, don't be so cruel," Tooru wailed. "I'm a moderately good person." 

"You're literally stealing food from me as we speak," Iwaizumi grumbled. 

Tooru sank in his chair with a sigh. "I paid for it."

Iwaizumi snorted. "Each time you're rude to me is just one more run in with Ushijima on the cosmic scales."

Tooru groaned loudly. "Iwa-chan, this isn't helping!"

"It's helping me."

"Yes, yes," Tooru said, waving his hand in a dismissive gesture. "I already said I was sorry."

"Mm," Iwaizumi hummed. He finished his meal and sat back, patting his stomach with a contented sound. "You did," he agreed at last. "Kind of."

Tooru pulled a face. "Hajime, I'm sorry for being an insensitive piece of shit."

Iwaizumi nodded. "Better."

"Can I complain about Ushiwaka now?"

With an exaggerated groan, Iwaizumi pushed himself up from the table and went to slump on Tooru's couch. "Fine," he said, sighing heavily. "But this is your last time, I've been listening to you whine about him for twenty-five years. Enough is enough, Tooru."

Tooru pouted. "Alright," he groaned, following him to the couch. He sat down and slung his legs over Iwaizumi's lap. "It's just unfair," he said eventually, watching as Iwaizumi started up the movie they'd been planning to watch. "I thought…" He sighed. "I just thought my life would be...something more by now."

Iwaizumi gave him a withering look. "More than being rich and successful?"

"I—"

"More than being a national champion?" 

Tooru sighed. "Maybe. I don't know. I've just been thinking a lot lately."

"Dangerous game," Iwaizumi murmured. "Everything okay?"

"Mm."

Iwaizumi squeezed his knee gently. "You sure? I know I get on your case, but you can talk to me."

Tooru managed a wonky smile. "I know."

"Just saying," Iwaizumi murmured, turning back to the screen. "I know when something's wrong. Just because I don't bring it up, that doesn't mean I don't notice. I just figured you'd tell me when you were ready." 

Tooru swallowed heavily. He felt like he should be crying, but his eyes were dry, and he merely shook his head. I will," he murmured, slouching down on the couch. "Thanks, Iwa-chan."

Iwaizumi shrugged. "Don't thank me, I didn't do anything." He gave Tooru's knee another affectionate squeeze. "I know I've got a lot going on, with Emiko and work and everything, but I'm still here if you need me." 

For a moment, Tooru let himself absorb this. He felt, not for the first time, that he really must have done something incredible in a previous life to deserve Iwaizumi. He considered telling Iwaizumi the truth. His friend would be the right amount of outraged and concerned, emotions that Tooru had run out of energy for. But he somehow didn't have the words in him, so instead he just gave Iwaizumi's thigh a friendly kick. 

"Ow! What was that for?" 

"For getting mushy," Tooru said, shuffling down comfortably, and forcing a smug smile onto his face. "If I wanted that, I would've called Bokuto."

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes. "I'm only not retaliating because you're too pathetic right now." 

"Noted." 

— 

Tooru was back at his favourite cafe several days later. He'd enjoyed almost a week of no Ushiwaka sightings, and was beginning to think that complaining to Iwaizumi might have done the trick. 

The door tinkled as someone stepped inside. Tooru looked up from his book at the sound of a piercing wail, and stared in horror at Ushijima who had just walked in, and was looking around with a decidedly guilty expression while his baby screamed in its pram. Ushijima bowed his head in a general apology aimed at the cafe's patrons, and retreated to a corner by the window. Tooru allowed himself a disdainful snort and went back to his book. 

He didn't get very far before he was interrupted again. The baby seemed determined not to be soothed; Tooru watched from the corner of his eye as Ushijima went into the bathroom and came back again with the baby changed but still crying. Neither Itsumi or Chisato were working, and the two baristas on duty looked intensely unimpressed by Ushijima and his baby disturbing the peace in the cafe. Ushijima, unsurprisingly, didn't seem to notice their abruptness, or the filthy looks he was getting from what appeared to be a couple of academics from the local university, and Tooru experienced a savage delight as he watched the baby hiccough and wail through Ushijima's attempts to bottle feed her.

Tooru pulled out his phone, intending to text someone about what a foolish sight Ushijima looked, but then Ushijima looked up and caught his eye across the room. Tooru's stomach lurched with the odd sensation of having been caught out, and he would've looked away again except that for a moment, Ushijima looked like he might cry. He was the first to look away, lowering his head while his cheeks coloured, and Tooru sat staring at him in surprise. 

After a moment, Tooru put his phone away again, shoved his book in his bag, and got up from his seat. He almost second guessed himself as he crossed the small café, but another shrill cry from the baby made him wince, and he forced himself to walk up to Ushijima.

"Ushiwaka-chan."

Ushijima looked up, wide-eyed. "Oikawa," he said, his eyebrows furrowing. "Forgive me, now is not a good time—"

"Do you have a blanket?" Oikawa asked, pulling out the seat beside him. "Or a sweater, even—"

"Of course," Ushijima said, and nodded toward the pram. "But, why—"

"Ah ah!" Oikawa reached over and retrieved a soft knitted blanket from within. "What's his name?" he asked, turning back to Ushijima.

"Her name is Mariko," Ushijima said, apparently unconcerned by Tooru's assumption. He'd given up trying to feed her and was rocking her slowly, but she didn't seem impressed by this treatment. "I don't think she's hungry," he said, brow creasing. "She just won't stop."

"Believe it or not, Ushiwaka," Tooru said lightly. "I'm a miracle worker with small children." He held out his hands. "May I?"

Ushijima looked unconvinced, but then his resolve crumpled and he nodded. "You...have held babies before?"

Tooru huffed at him. "I'd hardly offer if I didn't know what I was doing." He shrugged, reaching for his bag. "Of course, I won't be offended if you say no, I do have other things I could be doing with my time."

"No, no," Ushijima said, speaking over Mariko's rising cries. "I'm sorry, please. Your help would be appreciated."

"Very well then," Tooru said, holding his hands out again. 

Ushijima's frown deepened, but he leaned over and carefully placed his daughter in Tooru's arms. Her face was red and scrunched up, but she opened her eyes long enough to peer up at Tooru. Unlike Ushijima, her eyes were dark brown, and when she caught sight of Tooru she paused mid cry and blinked up at him curiously. 

"This used to work on my nephew," Tooru said in a soft voice, picking the blanket up off his lap with one hand and wrapping it around her. He pulled it in tightly, bundling her up like a parcel, then pressed her close to his chest, cradling her with both arms. "Is she always this…" He tried to think of a polite way to phrase it. "Fussy?"

Ushijima shook his head. He was watching his child, his face lax with surprise. After a few moments he must have sensed Tooru's gaze, because he looked up suddenly, flushing again. "She is usually very good," he said belatedly. "But...lately she hasn't been sleeping through the night, and sometimes she won't feed." He sighed heavily. "It's just a phase, it will pass."

"Is she teething?"

Ushijima shook his head. "Not yet."

Tooru hummed in thought as he slowly rocked Mariko against his chest. She was still snuffling and hiccuping occasionally, but she was beginning to settle. He cradled her head gently, stroking her fine, dark hair with the pad of his thumb. Glancing up, he caught Ushijima watching him, and smirked in response. "Perhaps she misses her mother, Ushiwaka-chan."

Ushijima's face was still. "Yes, perhaps."

Tooru squinted at him. It was hard to tell whether Ushijima was being secretive on purpose, or whether it was his characteristic reticence in action. 

"I never see the two of you together, after all," Tooru pressed. 

Ushijima blinked. "She seems to have calmed down."

For a moment Tooru thought Ushijima was referring to his wife, but then he noticed that Ushijima's eyes were on Mariko. 

"I told you," Tooru said smugly, glancing down at the baby. "I'm a natural."

"Yes," Ushijima agreed simply. "How old are your children?" 

Tooru started to laugh, and cut himself off quickly. "Oh no, no. I'm not parent material, Ushiwaka-chan. But I helped raise my sister's baby when I was a kid." He looked down at Mariko again, who had hiccuped in surprise at his sudden laughter, and was staring up at him with wide eyes. 

"She likes you," Ushijima said.

"Then she has excellent taste."

Ushijima, to Tooru's amazement, actually smiled. "You haven't changed much, Oikawa."

"Neither have you," Tooru said, unsure himself whether he meant it to be a compliment or not. "It's sort of reassuring."

Ushijima nodded. "I know what you mean." 

"You do?" Tooru asked. Ushijima was watching him with a steady gaze, brows furrowed slightly. He seemed much calmer now than when Tooru had first walked over, but up close there was no disguising his fatigue; the dark circles around his eyes were pronounced, and he slumped in his seat, his normally exquisite posture abandoned. 

If they had been friends, Tooru thought, he would've offered to look after the baby for a few hours, to give Ushijima some time to recover. But even if Ushijima had been someone that he liked, they didn't really know one another at all. 

Tooru glanced down. Mariko had flopped forward against his chest, her eyelids fluttering as she drifted into sleep. 

"Ahh, there we go," Tooru said in a hushed voice. He grinned up at Ushijima. "That should give you some peace for a couple of hours."

Ushijima sagged a little, his face relaxing. "Thank you, Oikawa."

"It was no trouble," Tooru said, shrugging one shoulder. "Although it looks like I may be stuck here for a while."

"Mariko is a heavy sleeper," Ushijima said, sitting up. "I can take her for you." He hesitated. "Unless…"

Tooru smiled politely, wondering if he was about to get roped into babysitting after all. "Unless?"

"I would like to thank you properly," Ushijima said, reaching into his pocket for his wallet. "It's not much, but may I buy you something to drink?"

"Oh, that's alright," Tooru said quickly, forcing the smile again. "I have things to do this afternoon, I should really be getting along."

"Very well." Ushijima reached out, and Tooru stood and carefully placed the baby in his arms. She had looked small when Tooru was holding her, but she seemed even smaller against Ushijima's broad chest. 

"You know," Tooru said as he reached for his bag. "I think being a father rather suits you."

Ushijima's eyes widened, then he looked away quickly, expression clouding. "Thank you, Oikawa."

Oikawa had the distinct impression he'd said something wrong. "Yes, well," he murmured, patting down his pockets to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything. "I suppose we'll probably run into one another again at some point." 

"Ah, yes."

"Well, goodbye then."

"Goodbye, Oikawa."

Tooru nodded before walking away, but he hesitated in the doorway, remembering what Iwaizumi had said about putting things behind him. 

"Ushiwaka," he said, crossing back to Ushijima's table. He pulled a slightly dog eared business card out of his bag and set it on the table. "If you still want to buy me that drink," he said quickly. "Mariko-chan is welcome too, of course."

"Thank you," Ushijima said, blinking at him curiously. 

Tooru left before either of them found something more awkward to say, wondering as he went what had possessed him to give his number to Ushijima. Iwaizumi was going to laugh himself sick.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really do try not to abandon stuff :') thanks all for sticking with me!

When Tooru didn't hear from Ushijima for over a week, he began to think that nothing would come of it after all. He hadn't run into Ushijima anywhere in that time, and as another week went by with no message, he forgot about it entirely.

And then, one afternoon when he was spinning his wheels at home and trying to summon the energy to go out, Ushijima called him. 

"Hello?"

_"Oikawa. This is Ushijima Wakatoshi."_

"Ushiwaka-chan!" Tooru said, smothering a laugh at Ushijima's formal tone. "What a surprise, I thought you'd forgotten all about me."

 _"That would be difficult,"_ Ushijima said bluntly. _"You are very memorable."_

Tooru blinked. "Ushiwaka, that almost sounded like a compliment."

Ushijima ignored his teasing. _"I'm taking Mariko to the park tomorrow."_

"I see."

_"Would you like to join us? We are going to feed the ducks."_

A grin stole across Tooru's face. "That's an interesting occupation for a six month old."

 _"I am fond of ducks too,"_ Ushijima said in a vaguely reproachful tone.

Tooru's smile broadened. "Me too. Where shall I meet you?"

—

Unfortunately, the next day dawned wet and grey, and so instead of venturing to the park, they met instead at the cafe where they had run into one another so many times, and Ushijima left his daughter in Tooru's care while he went to buy them coffee. Mariko had been sleeping soundly, but she seemed to sense that Tooru was watching her because she opened her eyes and blinked at him very seriously. 

"Good afternoon, Mariko-chan," Tooru said softly, leaning over her pram. 

Mariko blinked her large, dark eyes at him again. She wriggled, and extended one arm out to him, and Tooru offered her a finger to latch onto, which she did with a pleased expression. 

"It's nice to see you too," Tooru said, grinning down at her. It was infuriating to think that Ushijima could have produced something so wholly charming. He wondered again what Mariko's mother was like. It was still unfathomable to him that Ushijima was married, although why it should be so much less believable than any number of other acquaintances from his school days having partners and children, Tooru couldn't quite identify. Something about it just didn't add up. 

When Ushijima returned, they talked for a while about mutual acquaintances, both from school and their later careers. They had both stopped playing within a year of each other; Oikawa had retired after a series of minor injuries, and worked as a commentator and reporter for a short while before jumping into finance. Ushijima had exited under similar circumstances, though his work since had been rather more mundane, with a dull administrative role in the Ministry of Agriculture. 

After Ushijima had ordered them each a second drink, Mariko woke properly with a piercing wail, and Ushijima lifted her out of her pram so that he could feed her. The care with which he held her, and the obvious devotion in his gaze, made something in Tooru's stomach quiver. 

“Where’s her mother?” he asked, watching Ushijima carefully. "You never mention her."

Ushijima looked pained, which wasn’t an expression Tooru had known him capable of, but there it was. Tooru felt abruptly sorry that he’d asked. Perhaps Ushijima had been tragically widowed, or his wife had left him under terrible circumstances.

“My sister is away at university,” Ushijima said quietly.

Tooru blinked. For several seconds—far longer than was polite or sensible—he stared at Ushijima in bewilderment as his mind tried to decipher what he’d heard. When he finally succeeded, his face coloured, and he gave a tremulous laugh that sounded awkward in his own ears. “Ushiwaka,” he said, forcing jollity. “I must have misheard you. I could’ve sworn you said your _sister_.”

Ushijima nodded. “Akiko is her mother.”

“Then—” Tooru said, trailing off when he found he lacked the right words to phrase his question.

“I am not Mariko’s real father,” Ushijima said, hoisting the baby higher against his chest. “Obviously.”

“Obviously!” Tooru agreed, his voice far too loud. 

Ushijima cleared his throat. He was clearly reluctant to talk about it, and when he continued his voice was softer. “Akiko is…very young. She wasn’t ready to be a mother.”

Tooru’s eyes widened. The revelation that Ushijima had a little sister at all was a surprise, but something about him suited the role of an older protector. “So,” he said, eyes narrowing again slightly as he appraised his longtime rival. “You adopted Mariko-chan?”

Ushijima nodded. 

“That’s…very selfless of you, Ushiwaka-chan. I’m impressed.”

“I do not think so,” Ushijima said, frowning. “I am older, and I have an apartment, and savings. Not to mention that Akiko still has to complete her degree, and relies on our parents for her income.”

Tooru sighed. “You’re always practical, aren’t you?”

Ushijima appeared to consider this. “Not always,” he said at last. “But in this case, my raising Mariko was by far the better option. And…” 

Tooru looked up again, intrigued, but Ushijima trailed off. “What is it?”

Ushijima didn’t respond at first. He shifted Mariko to the crook of his arm, where she yawned hugely before settling in, her small fists clenching as her eyes slipped closed. The gentle expression on Ushijima’s face made Tooru’s chest hammer. He hadn’t known Ushijima could look so... _tender_. That was twice he’d surprised Tooru in the space of five minutes, just with the crease of his brow, the shape of his mouth.

“Oh,” Tooru said softly, understanding. “You wanted her.”

“I did not expect to ever be a father,” Ushijima said, his tone almost dismissive, but his gaze was still fond as he looked down at the baby in his arms. 

“Mm,” Tooru hummed, forcing himself to look away. “Well, I can’t imagine why not. Domesticity suits you, Ushiwaka-chan. It’s a wonder you didn’t find some perfect wife and settle down years ago.”

Ushijima huffed quietly, and it took Tooru several moments to realise that it was laughter. “I’m not the marrying type.”

Tooru smirked. “I suppose we have something in common after all,” he said, sitting back in his seat. He crossed his legs and gave Ushijima an appraising look. "It must be very hard. Raising her on your own."

"Akiko stayed with us at first," Ushijima said. "She wanted to breastfeed Mariko, and I think—it was hard for Akiko to leave her behind, even though it was for the best."

"She must be a very strong person," Tooru murmured. 

Ushijima nodded. "Our parents wanted her to go home straight after the birth and leave Mariko with me, but she wanted to be involved."

"That's understandable."

Ushijima grimaced. "I thought so. I encouraged her to stay, but I think it may have made things harder for her."

"I can't imagine," Tooru said, shaking his head. "Does she still visit?"

"She is focusing on her studies," Ushijima said, shaking his head. "Akiko hasn't abandoned Mariko," her said, looking very serious, as though eager to make Tooru understand. "But she doesn't want to be a mother. And we agreed that regular visits would only make things more difficult, for both of them."

Tooru watched him carefully. "Do you worry that I'll judge her?"

Ushijima's mouth tightened briefly. "Most people will."

"She's very lucky to have you." He glanced at Mariko and grinned. "They both are."

"Thank you, Oikawa," Ushijima said, looking at him very seriously.

Tooru coloured again, and looked away with a shrug. "Oh, never mind that," he said, flapping his hand dismissively. "I'm not _always_ a self-centred narcissist, you know."

Ushijima looked down at Mariko again with a smile. "I know that."

"Well...good," Tooru murmured, watching Ushijima watch his daughter with a strange, squirming sensation in his stomach. 

—

Avoiding his family's calls could only work for so long. It was Tooru's sister who finally caught him out, calling while he was half heartedly cleaning his apartment. 

_"Mom wants to know if you're coming home for her birthday,"_ she said, launching into the conversation with her typical lack of niceties. 

Tooru hummed softly. "I'll think about it." 

Mikako huffed. _"She's sixty-five this year, Tooru. You should be there."_

Sighing, Tooru sat down heavily on his couch. "I know. I'll try and make it." 

_"Is there some reason you're avoiding us?"_ Mikako asked after a moment. _"Mom said you haven't spoken to her in weeks, and Takeru said you haven't returned his emails."_

Sudden anger boiled in his chest, and Tooru gritted his teeth against the urge to snap back at her. It wasn't his family's fault that he hadn't told them the truth. "I've just been busy," he said carefully. "I want to see everyone, I'll do my best to be there." 

_"That's all I can ask,"_ she said reasonably. Silence stretched out between them for several moments. _"Is something wrong, Tooru?"_

Tooru covered his face. He bit his cheek, but he could do nothing to quell the nausea rising in his chest. He took a long breath before replying. "Everything's fine, nee-san," he said, as steadily as he could manage. "I have a meeting now, but tell Mama I'll call her soon, alright?" 

After he'd managed to put her off, Tooru changed into his workout gear and went for a run around his neighbourhood. He'd already been to the gym that morning, but exercise was a shortcut to keep his mind from working overtime, and release the abundance of nervous energy. He ran until his legs and lungs were burning, and his hands were shaking. But even so, the low current of panic came rushing back as he stood under a cold shower. 

Tooru paced around his apartment several times, tugging at the sleeves of his hoodie. He knew that the only thing that was going to make him feel better would be to talk about this with someone. The question was, who? He couldn't call any of his family, and Iwaizumi was out of the question. Tooru briefly entertained the possibility of calling one of his exes, and quickly pushed the thought away again. 

Over on the table, his phone dinged softly. Tooru picked it up, and read a message from Ushijima. 

_Hello, Oikawa. How are you? Have you seen any films recently?_

Tooru laughed aloud. _Not really_ , he replied, and then in a fit of recklessness wrote, _I'm at a loose end if you want to watch something_

Ushijima wrote back at once. _I am putting Mariko to bed soon if you would like to come over._

Grinning, Tooru clutched his phone tightly. Something about the way Ushijima texted was as endearing as it was infuriating, as if he was still learning how to speak like a real human. 

_Send me your address, I'll be right over_

—

It turned out that Ushijima only lived a short distance from him, which explained why they'd been running into one another so often. Tooru was only surprised it hadn't happened sooner. He picked up a handful of DVDs and walked over to Ushijima's apartment, eager to be away from his own space for a few hours. 

Ushijima greeted him with Mariko cradled against his chest. "I apologise," he said, looking harried. "I'm having difficulty getting her to sleep."

"No trouble," Tooru said, waving him off. "You carry on."

"The kitchen is that way," Ushijima said, nodding. "I'm sorry for not offering you a drink, but—" 

Tooru laughed softly. "It's fine, Ushiwaka-chan, you've got your hands full. I'll make us some tea, shall I?" 

Ushijima nodded. "Thank you," he said, before disappearing into one of the bedrooms. 

Left alone, Tooru turned on the spot, taking in Ushijima's apartment. It was plain, but not uncomfortable, and there were odd touches here and there, where Tooru suspected the influence of Ushijima's little sister: a beautiful painting on the wall of an older woman; a haphazard stack of art books; photos and sticky notes stuck to the fridge. Although Mariko hadn't yet started crawling, the apartment was thoroughly baby-proofed. 

After pulling open a few cupboards at random, Tooru found what he needed to make tea, and was just pouring hot water into cups when Ushijima returned. 

"Thank you, Oikawa," Ushijima said, accepting a cup from Tooru. 

Tooru nodded. He felt, then, how out of place he was. Manufacturing small talk out of nothing was one of Tooru's particular talents, but words suddenly failed him. He wondered, shortly, just how he'd ended up here. He still wasn't altogether sure he liked Ushijima, though it was with some reluctance and a hint of shame that he could admit to himself that he no longer hated him. Ushijima wasn't looking at him, and Tooru allowed himself a moment to study Ushijima's weary countenance. His face was drawn, and there were dark circles around his eyes. Tooru wondered if perhaps he shouldn't have come, but then Ushijima looked up, with a searching look in his eyes that Tooru recognised with a jolt. So, Ushijima was lonely too. 

Tooru wracked his brain for something to say. "She's not giving you trouble, is she?" he asked, nodding his head in the direction of the bedroom. 

Ushijima sighed. "I'm afraid she's still not sleeping well," he murmured. 

"So you're not sleeping well either," Tooru concluded, nodding with sympathy. "My friend, Mattsun, he and his wife had twins, it took them weeks to get the girls used to sleeping through. As soon as they got one to sleep, the other would wake up." 

"That must have been very trying." 

"I imagine so." 

Ushijima nodded. "I believe you were right, about Mariko missing her mother." It was clear from Ushijima's heavy brow, his slumped shoulders, that the acknowledgment was painful to him. 

"Babies understand much more than we give them credit for," Tooru said gently. "But they're resilient too. She'll adjust soon enough." 

"Yes, that's true."

Tooru took a deep breath. "Come on then," he said, with more determination than he felt. "Let's watch this movie, before we fall asleep."

The two of them went through to the other room, and assembled themselves on Ushijima's surprisingly comfortable couch. Tooru was a little annoyed to note that it was more comfortable than his own more stylish furniture. Ushijima carefully examined the DVDs he'd brought, then chose one seemingly at random and set it up for them to watch. It was a quiet but tense thriller, and Tooru half expected to turn around at some point and find that Ushijima had fallen asleep, but he paid close attention right to the climactic sequence, at which point they were interrupted by a crackling wail from the baby monitor on the table.

"I apologise," Ushijima said, getting wearily to his feet. 

Tooru picked up his phone while Ushijima was out of the room. He had an email from one of his old colleagues, and he frowned as he swiped it aside. Iwaizumi had also texted him with a photo of an unfamiliar dog. 

_Made a new friend_.

Tooru replied with a photo of Ushijima's living room. _Guess where I am~_ , he wrote.

Ushijima returned after only a minute or two. "She's restless," he murmured, resuming his seat by Tooru. "Let's finish the film."

"Are you sure?"

Ushijima nodded, and they resumed the movie. By the end, even Tooru was beginning to yawn. 

"That was very enjoyable," Ushijima said as the ending credits rolled. 

Tooru grinned at him. "I wasn't sure it would be your sort of thing."

Ushijima frowned. "Some of the characters' motivations were outlandish."

Tooru laughed. "Yes, I suppose they were."

"But it was an interesting story."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it," Tooru said, putting his arm over the back of the couch as he turned to face Ushijima. "I was a little bit worried you were going to fall asleep."

Ushijima smiled faintly. "I may very soon."

"I should get out of your hair," Tooru said, starting to get up.

"Yes," Ushijima said simply, following him. 

Tooru picked up their empty cups and took them back to the kitchen, then turned to find Ushijima hovering in the doorway, his broad shoulders taking up most of the space. 

"Oikawa," he said, taking a step forward. He moved into Tooru's space, looking for a moment as though he was going to reach out. 

Tooru's heart beat louder in his throat, and he chastised himself a moment later. It was only Ushijima, there was no reason to be worried.

Ushijima stopped, his gaze downturned. "I—wanted to say that I'm grateful. You've been very understanding, and—well, I value the friendship you have shown me. If there's anything I can do in return…"

Tooru's breath seized in his throat. "Ah," he said thickly. He felt strangely lightheaded. "Thanks, Ushiwaka-chan," he said with a tight smile. "There's nothing right now, but I'll be sure to let you know."

"Good," Ushijima said, nodding. He moved aside, giving Tooru space to pass. "After you."

Tooru scooted past him, and out to the hallway to retrieve his shoes. He took a deep breath as soon as he was out of earshot, and pressed his back against the wall for a moment. Something about being around Ushijima made him want to slit open the barrier keeping all his fears and worries contained, and let them all pour out. It was a terrible idea. Not least because he and Ushijima barely knew one another, and they certainly weren't friends.

_I value the friendship you have shown me._

Tooru groaned softly and pulled his shoes on, trying to push down his conflicted emotions. 

"Is everything alright?" Ushijima asked, following him to the door. 

"Perfectly fine," Tooru said, straightening up with a brilliant smile. "Thank you for your company tonight, Ushiwaka-chan."

Ushijima nodded. "Do you have plans tomorrow?"

Tooru hesitated. He didn't have plans, but he felt he'd already given too much away in one week. "Sorry," he said, spreading his hands. "I have a few errands that will keep me busy."

"Then, Friday?" Ushijima suggested. 

Annoyance flared briefly, making Tooru's ears heat. "Believe it or not, Ushiwaka-chan, I do have other things to do with my time than run around after you every day." Even before the words were out, Tooru wished he could erase them, but it was too late. They were said. 

Ushijima's mouth thinned, his brow drawing in. "I see," he said quietly.

Tooru opened his mouth to apologise, but nothing would come. "Goodnight," he said instead, reaching for the door. 

"Goodnight," Ushijima said. 

It was hard to tell from his voice, but Tooru thought he sounded sad. Before he could turn back and check, the door closed behind him. Irrational anger surged through him again, and Tooru stomped along the hallway to the elevator, slamming the button several times until the doors slid open with a faint chime. He stepped inside, fuming, but as the doors hissed closed behind him, Tooru's anger dropped away, leaving only a faint tarnish of nausea behind.

—

After moping for several days, Tooru finally went out in search of a suitable birthday gift for his mother. Something that would encompass an appropriate reverence for her sixty-fifth birthday and a grovelling apology for being absent for so many months. 

"That shouldn't be too hard," Tooru murmured sarcastically, as he stepped into the air-conditioned shopping centre. 

He wandered aimlessly for several hours, browsing endlessly with no particular goal in mind. His mother was very choosy about most things; clothes, food, accessories. The thing she wanted most was something that Tooru seemed unable to give her; a nice, responsible daughter-in-law, and several adorable grandchildren to be spoiled. 

His mood darkened as he continued to search in vain for the ideal gift. He thought about calling Iwaizumi to complain, but his friend would be busy at work, and Tooru had leaned on his kindness a little too often of late. Iwaizumi had been distracted for a long time by his crumbling marriage, and Tooru selfishly wanted to monopolise as much of his time as he could now that the divorce was finally proceeding. He was fairly certain that made him a terrible friend.

On a whim, Tooru bought himself some milk tea and sipped it slowly as he strolled back along the line of shops, gazing unseeing at the bright window displays. He'd been avoiding thinking about the other night, and the way he'd left things with Ushijima. Tooru wasn't sure why he hadn't just apologised immediately. The longer he left it, the more impossible it seemed. That seemed to be true for so many aspects of his life. 

He came to a fountain and sat down beside it, closing his eyes to listen to the rush and trickle of water. Around him, children laughed and shrieked, and parents scolded them.

Tooru pulled out his phone and called his mother.

_"Tooru, sweetheart! Where have you been?"_

"Hi, Mama," Tooru murmured. He suddenly felt like crying. "I'm sorry for not calling you in so long. Is everything alright?"

 _"Well,"_ she began, quickly launching into a story about some of her friends. 

Tooru listened quietly, letting himself be lulled by her familiar voice, the familiar names and places. It was comforting to know that some things stayed the same, no matter what else changed around him.

 _"Are you still there, Tooru?"_ she asked at last.

"I'm here, Mama."

 _"What's wrong, sweetheart?"_ she asked softly. _"Mikako said you didn't seem like yourself, and I know you're not really listening to me."_

Tooru grimaced. "Sorry, Mama," he murmured. "I _was_ listening, I just—I feel so lost."

"Did something happen?"

"No," Tooru said after a moment's hesitation. "Nothing's wrong. Just getting old, I guess," he joked.

 _"Don't talk to me about getting old,"_ she scolded lightly.

Tooru laughed. But the mirth passed quickly, leaving only a vague, guilty sensation. "I should go," he said, glancing around. "I just called to ask what you want for your birthday."

_"Oh, I don't mind about that, darling. I just want you home."_

"Are you sure?"

She laughed softly. _"Well, you know I wouldn't mind if you wanted to bring someone with you…"_

"Yes, Mama," Tooru murmured, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. "As soon as I start dating again, you'll be the first to hear about it."

_"We're not getting any younger, Tooru. And neither are you."_

"Yes, Mama," he said again, annoyance licking at the edges of his mind. "I know that, but that doesn't mean I'm just going to marry the first woman I meet."

 _"Or the second, or the third,"_ she replied tartly, and then laughed as though they were sharing the joke. _"Whatever happened between you and Etsuko, Tooru? She was such a lovely girl."_

"I have to go now, Mama," he said, grimacing. "I'll let you know when I'm coming home."

_"We'll look forward to meeting her!"_

Tooru grimaced, and ended the call. He closed his eyes, focusing his attention on the bubbling of the water fountain, trying to tune out the shrieks and laughter of the playing children. His chest was tight, and he felt as though he couldn't breathe properly. It was several weeks since he'd felt this on edge, and he didn't know how to begin to alleviate the feeling. He turned his phone over in his hands several times, then he finally unlocked it and dialed Ushijima's number.

_The number you are trying to reach is currently out of service, or has been switched off._

Sighing, Tooru slid his phone back into his pocket without trying to leave a message. Perhaps Ushijima had come to his senses and blocked his number. After a minute or so as he sat sipping the dregs of his milk tea, he got up to head home and change into his workout gear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lovely comment inspired me to wrap up this chapter, please remember to comment on chaptered fics and wips, even if they're older. Your writers need you!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More? More!

Tooru was at the park several days later, running loops until his t-shirt was soaked through. As he looped past the river a third time, he spotted a man sitting on a bench, bending over a baby in a pram. Tooru's stomach lurched, and though he told himself the chances of it being Ushijima were extremely slim, at that moment the man straightened up and it was clear that it _was_ him. In his surprise, Tooru lost his footing and stumbled, crashing forward onto his hands and knees. His phone clattered to the ground beside him and skidded out of arm's reach. 

"Shit," Tooru hissed, sinking back onto his aching knees. He lifted his hands, which were badly grazed, then dropped onto his backside to examine his knees. His running tights were torn, his knees grazed and bleeding beneath. 

"Are you hurt?"

Tooru's stomach lurched a second time, but he forced himself to look up and meet Ushijima's worried gaze. "Ushiwaka-chan!" he said, forcing a lighthearted tone. "Fancy meeting you here. How silly I must look."

Ushijima glanced back at Mariko's pram, sitting unattended a short distance away, then he leaned down and offered Tooru his hand. "Can you stand?"

Resigning himself to the fact that there was no wriggling out of this situation, Tooru reached up to grasp Ushijima's wrist and allowed himself to be pulled to his feet. His knees ached, and his skin stung where he'd grazed it, but he gritted his teeth and brushed his hands off against his clothing, ignoring the sting. Ushijima bent down again to retrieve Tooru's phone and handed it back to him. 

"Thank you," Tooru said, pulling on a false smile.

"Please, come and sit down," Ushijima said, gesturing toward the bench where Mariko's pram sat. 

Tooru began to protest, but as he took one step away, his right knee gave a particularly insistent twinge and he grimaced. "Ah—very well," he sighed, although he ignored the arm that Ushijima offered, and limped over to the empty bench. Sitting, he examined his ripped leggings with weary resignation. 

After checking on Mariko, Ushjima bent to retrieve something from the bag in the base of the pram, then took a seat beside Tooru. "Here," he said, offering Tooru a packet of baby wipes. "You should clean those."

Tooru blinked at the pack of wipes. "I—"

"Oikawa," Ushijima said, more gently. When Tooru merely continued to sit and blink stupidly at his hands, Ushijima opened the packet and pulled out a few wipes, before reaching for Tooru's hand. "I apologise if I hurt you," he said, setting about cleaning the scrapes on Tooru's palms.

"No, I—you don't have to," Tooru protested weakly, though he made no move to pull away.

"It is no trouble," Ushijima rumbled. When he'd cleaned away the worst of the dirt on Tooru's hands, he crouched in front of him to repeat the treatment on his scraped knees. Tooru sat silently as he worked, watching the sure, careful movements of Ushijima's hands, the faint crease between his eyebrows as he worked. It felt wrong to have Ushijima care for him in this way, particularly after the way Tooru had spoken to him when they parted the last time, the words he had yet to apologise for.

Finally, Ushijima sat back, scrutinising his work, before looking up into Tooru's eyes. "There. Can you walk?"

"Ushiwaka," Tooru murmured, his stomach in knots. 

Ushijima frowned. "I hope I have not overstepped," he said, turning to set aside the pack of wipes.

"No, please," Tooru said quickly, his words running away from him. He took a deep breath. "Ushi—jima," he said, changing what he meant to call him halfway through. "I owe you an apology." 

Ushijima breathed out slowly, before finally raising his eyes to Tooru's. "Yes."

Tooru nodded, licking his lips nervously. "It may surprise you to know that I'm not terribly good at giving apologies," he began, a faint smile twitching at the corner of his mouth. "But I—I've enjoyed your company, and you've been kind to me, and I—" He cut himself off before he could say anything too revealing, and forced his smile to broaden. "Well, I hope you can forgive me for being a selfish brat."

"I do not think you are selfish," Ushijima murmured, moving to take his place beside Tooru once more. Mariko had started to whimper in her pram, and Ushijima reached out without looking to rock it gently. 

"Does that mean you think I'm a brat?" 

"I thought that was apparent."

Tooru turned and stared at him. Ushijima said nothing, and after a moment Tooru let out a burst of startled laughter. "Are you teasing me, Ushiwaka-chan?"

Ushijima smiled faintly. "I apologise."

"No, no," Tooru said, still chuckling. "I deserve it."

"Then I shall retract my apology," Ushijima said, with what Tooru thought might be _amusement_.

"Perhaps Iwa-chan was right," Tooru sighed. "Perhaps running into you really was some kind of karmic punishment."

Ushijima tensed. "I...see."

"Relax," Tooru said, jostling him lightly with an elbow. "I'm teasing. I meant what I said. To my great surprise, I really do enjoy your company."

"I am equally surprised to find that I enjoy yours," Ushijima replied evenly. 

Tooru laughed. "Touché." He glanced across at Mariko, who had settled. "Let me buy you both lunch," he said , the words tumbling out of him without consulting his brain. "To apologise."

Ushijima looked over at him. "But you have already apologised."

"Don't be difficult, Ushiwaka-chan!" Tooru complained. "I'm trying to be nice, so just humour me and say yes."

"Yes," Ushijima said, after a moment's thought. His gaze fell to Tooru's torn leggings. "Are you certain you're not hurt?"

"I'm perfectly fine!" Tooru said, getting to his feet. But as soon as he tried to put weight on his right knee, it crumpled beneath him. He caught himself against the back of the bench, while Ushijima leapt out of his seat at the same time to support him. "It's fine," Tooru said quickly, straightening up again while Ushijima gently grabbed at his elbow. "It's nothing, really—"

Ushijima made a soft noise of dissent. "You should put some ice on it immediately." He stood properly and reached for Mariko's pram. "Is your apartment far?"

Tooru sagged. "Not far," he admitted.

"Very well," Ushiijma said, nodding. "Can you walk?"

Wincing, Tooru tested his weight on his knee again. It held, just about, and he nodded.

"Please lean on me if you need to," Ushijima offered. "Or you can use Mariko's pram."

Tooru brightened. "That's actually not a bad idea. Do you mind if I push?"

"As long as Mariko does not mind," Ushijima said, and Tooru blinked at him for a moment before realising he was being teased again. 

"What do you say, Mari-chan?" he whispered, leaning over her. 

Mariko opened her eyes. Her face lit up when she noticed him, and she burbled excitedly. 

"I think that's a yes," Tooru said, turning to wink at Ushijima. 

Ushijima nodded. "Lead the way."

After helping him to disinfect his scrapes more thoroughly, Ushijima left Tooru alone with several bags of ice and some snacks from the convenience store. They had arranged to meet for lunch two days later, providing that Tooru had healed well enough by then, and Tooru had squeezed in a quick cuddle with Mariko before Ushijima took his leave, but after being left alone he began to feel strangely empty. 

—

His knee was much improved the following day, and Tooru headed out in the evening to treat himself to dinner, in the hopes of dispelling some of the cloud that had descended upon him. He chose a hole in the wall restaurant he'd frequented often before leaving his job, but had only just ordered a drink when a warm hand clapped down on his shoulder, surprising him.

"Oikawa! How are you?"

Tooru looked up into the familiar face of a former associate, and quickly schooled his own expression into something approaching friendliness. "Satou-kun," he said, nodding his head in greeting. "How've you been?"

"Oh, same old, same old," Satou said, helping himself to the stool beside Tooru's. "I haven't seen you since you left. Been busy?"

"You know how it is," Tooru said evasively, accompanying his vague gesture with a glittering smile. "I've been doing a little consultancy, but for the most part I'm enjoying my freedom until I jump into something new."

"Right, right," Satou said, nodding, though he didn't appear to be paying much attention to Tooru's words. "Let me buy you dinner, won't you? We should catch up."

Tooru hesitated. He and Satou had started working at the company at around the same time, and had headed separate but related departments, so they'd had quite a lot of contact, but most of it purely professional. Tooru did remember one evening when they'd been drinking together along with the other heads of departments, but the rest of the evening was a blur. It wasn't a memory he particularly wanted to revisit. "There's really no need—"

"Please," Satou said, more firmly. His expression sobered somewhat. "I was sorry to see you leave, Oikawa. And the way you left—"

"Yes, well," Tooru interrupted with a tight smile. "What's done is done." He forced his voice to be light, but there was still pity in the other man's gaze. Tooru ignored it and cast around for a safer topic of conversation. "Tell me, did you propose to Narumiya-san yet?"

Satou laughed. "Actually, she proposed to me."

"Oh really?" Tooru asked, eyes widening. "Then I owe you my congratulations."

"Thank you," Satou replied, beaming. "So, tell me about this consultancy work you've been doing."

They talked easily while they waited for their food. Satou had always been easy to talk to, although as they chatted, Tooru was soon reminded that Satou had a mean streak and a penchant for gossip. The way he talked about Tooru's replacement made Tooru doubt the sincerity of his intimation that Tooru had been missed. 

"You didn't tell me if you were seeing anyone," Satou said, when Tooru had resisted several attempts to draw him into gossipmongering. He gave Tooru a _significant_ look. "Anyone special in your life?"

Tooru thought briefly of Ushijima cleaning his grazed knees with a baby wipe, and laughed. "No," he said, shaking his head. "Nothing like that."

Satou smiled at him, then he leaned close, moving his hand to rest on Tooru's thigh. "I'm glad to hear that."

The sudden warmth of his hand, the closeness, made an uncomfortable heat tinge the back of Tooru's neck. "Why is that?" he asked, forcing a laugh.

"Well…" Satou said, smirking at him. "There was a rumour about you, you see. Especially after you and Yamagata-san broke up."

"You really shouldn't believe everything you hear around the office, Satou-kun," Tooru said, his voice thin.

Satou grinned. "Shouldn't I?" He squeezed Tooru's thigh more firmly. "Come on, let's have a little fun, for old times' sake."

Tooru's blood ran cold. He carefully reached down and removed Satou's hand from his thigh. "I'm sorry, Satou-kun," he said coolly. "I don't think I understand your meaning."

"Ah—my mistake," Satou said, withdrawing his hand and sitting back in his seat, his expression shuttered. He turned and picked up his glass to drain the remnants of his beer. His other hand, the one that had recently been on Tooru's thigh, clenched and unclenched against his own hip. "Perhaps it's time I got home. It was good catching up, Oikawa."

"Quite," Tooru said, biting his tongue. 

Satou reached into his pocket for his wallet, but Tooru put his hand out. 

"Don't worry about it," he said, trying to keep his voice steady. "This one's on me."

Satou hesitated. "I—"

"I insist," Tooru said, watching him carefully. He gave Satou a smile, and pulled out his own wallet to retrieve a few notes. "There. All settled."

Satou stared at him for a moment, then he turned away with a humourless laugh. "You haven't changed, Oikawa," he huffed. 

"No offence, Satou-kun," Tooru murmured as he got to his feet and picked up his jacket. "But you have no idea what I'm like." He swept out of the restaurant, leaving Satou behind at the bar. 

Tooru's hands were shaking as he stepped out into the cool evening air. He shoved them in his pockets, trying to force down the strange feeling that carried him along. He could still feel the imprint of Satou's fingers on his thigh, and he shuddered at the thought of that touch being followed through to its logical conclusion. Satou wasn't unattractive, but Tooru had no interest in a dalliance with an ex-colleague, and he was unnerved by Satou's words. He got the sense that the other man thought they had something in common, that they were similar somehow; Tooru couldn't help wondering if that was how his other coworkers had viewed him; bossy, a little cruel, sticking his nose into things that didn't concern him.

As he walked to the station, he pulled out his phone. He had a message from Ushijima.

_Oikawa. How are you feeling?_

Tooru grimaced, his breath catching in his throat. On a whim, he dialled Ushijima's number.

_"Oikawa? It's Ushijima."_

Tooru laughed wetly. "I know, Ushiwaka-chan," he said, grinning up at the nearby streetlight. "I called you, remember?"

_"Is everything alright?"_

"I'm...not entirely sure," Tooru said softly. 

Ushijima was quiet for several moments. _"Would you like to come over?"_ he asked at last.

Tooru bit his lower lip. "I—don't want to intrude."

 _"You would not be,"_ Ushijima rumbled softly. _"I have not yet put Mariko to bed. I'm sure she would like to see you."_

"Oh, well then," Tooru said, the thought warming him. "I hate to disappoint a lady."

—

Ushijima had welcomed him with tea and a bag of frozen vegetables for his knee, ushering him to sit on the couch with surprising solicitousness.

"I'm really fine," Tooru protested, laughing softly.

"It is better to be safe than sorry," Ushijima intoned, before retreating to fetch a squalling Mariko from her playmat. 

"Oh dear," Tooru murmured, reaching out for her. 

Ushijima wrapped her in a blanket, then placed her gently in Tooru's arms, stepping back to watch with an expression that was part fond, and part relieved. She continued to whimper softly for a minute or so, but she soon settled as Tooru squeezed and rocked her against his chest. 

"Do you feel better?" Ushijima asked eventually. 

Tooru blinked up at him. Mariko had fallen quiet, her eyelids turning heavy. "I do, thank you," he said, smiling at Ushijima. "Nothing like a nice cuddle to soothe the soul."

"I'm glad," Ushijima said, watching them contentedly. "Have you never considered settling down, Oikawa?"

Tooru huffed. He put a hand to his chest and fluttered his eyelashes, smile widening. "And lock all this away at home with a baby? I'm not sure I could be so cruel to the world." He grinned and squeezed Mariko more tightly. "Even for one as cute as Mariko-chan."

Ushijima's frown deepened. "Do you know that you always tease me when you want to avoid a serious conversation."

"Ushiwaka!" Tooru said, feigning shock. "I don't know _what_ you mean."

Ushijima didn't blink. "If you'd prefer not to answer, just say so. I will not be offended."

Tooru's smile turned rueful, and he sank down slightly in his chair. "I know. Sorry."

"It doesn't matter."

"Hmm." Tooru wrinkled his nose. "I have, you know. Considered settling down, I mean."

Ushijima watched him with a steady gaze, waiting for him to continue.

"There isn't much else to tell," Tooru said with a sigh. Still, he couldn't bring himself to meet Ushijima's gaze, and he looked down at Mariko's face instead as she began to doze against his chest. "I'm not any good at relationships, or so I've been told. I'm much too selfish, you see."

"How so?"

Tooru sighed. "You name it. Volleyball, my career…I always put myself first. I only cared about achieving _my_ goals. Getting married, having kids...they would've got in the way."

Ushijima said nothing for several moments, and when Tooru chanced a look at him, his head was bowed, his expression severe. 

"It's alright, Ushijima," Tooru said with a humorless laugh. "You don't need to—"

"Why would you think that's wrong?" Ushijima interrupted. 

Tooru blinked. "Excuse me?"

Ushijima spread his hands. "Oikawa, you were undeniably one of the best volleyball players of our generation. It is perfectly logical for you to have dedicated yourself to your craft rather than the pursuit of romantic relationships."

"Well," Tooru murmured, looking aside. "That's...thank you."

Ushijima let out a soft sigh. "Besides, I do not believe there is an age limit on finding the right relationship."

"No?" Tooru said, smiling weakly. "You don't think it's true that all the good ones have already been snapped up?"

Ushijima frowned. "Many of my friends married young, and now their relationships are struggling. Perhaps it's better to wait until you know what you're doing."

Tooru laughed. "Does anyone ever know what they're doing?"

"I suspect not," Ushijima said with a subtle smile. "Either way, we all have to live with the choices we've made."

"I suppose we do." Tooru sat back and took a deep breath. His chest was lighter than it had been in months. "You know, Ushijima, you're really much wiser than I gave you credit for."

Ushijima looked thoughtful. "It is unlike you to underestimate an opponent."

That made Tooru laugh again. "Believe me, I never underestimated you." He sighed, turning thoughtful. "But I admit I may have had something of a...a blind spot where you're concerned." 

"A blind spot," Ushijima repeated softly in a wondering tone. 

"And besides," Tooru went on, grinning. "I don't see you as an opponent, Ushiwaka-chan. Not any more." 

"That is a relief," Ushijima said, and it took Tooru a moment to realise that he was teasing. 

They sat in a comfortable silence for a minute or so, then Ushijima put down his tea and leaned forward in his chair. "I believe she has finally gone to sleep. Thank you for your help."

"It's hardly a chore to cuddle your beautiful baby," Tooru said, laughing. He passed her back to Ushijima carefully, then stood and followed as Ushijima carried her over to her bedroom. "You know," he said softly, so as not to disturb Mariko. "I don't think I've seen you without her, except for when you're at the gym. Do you ever leave her with anyone?"

"Not—" Ushijima began, frowning. He tugged Mariko's blanket over her, and paused to brush a delicate curl of hair off her forehead before retreating. They both stepped out of the room, and Ushijima pulled the door to. "Once or twice," he murmured, his eyes glancing off Tooru's and away again. "My parents visit occasionally, and of course Akiko was living with me when Mariko was first born. It's been more difficult since she left."

"Hmm," Tooru hummed, following him as Ushijima returned to the couch. "But from what I see, you're doing a wonderful job."

Ushijima looked up at him, his eyes wide and his expression very open, very gentle. "Do you really think so?"

Tooru laughed. "Are you joking? You're a brilliant father. I couldn't hope to do half as well."

"But—you are very good with Mariko."

"Ah, well," Tooru said, dismissing him with a wave. "That's different, it's only for a little while. I'm not sure I could make the kind of sacrifices I would need to, to raise a child. I was always so relieved when my sister took my nephew back."

Ushijima frowned. "But you were young then. A child."

Tooru wrinkled his nose. "True, but—I don't know. Maybe I just don't feel ready. At this rate, I'm not sure I ever will." 

At this, Ushijima fell quiet for some time, considering what he'd said. The silence was comfortable; the baby monitor on the coffee table occasionally emitted a faint crackle, the soft sound of Mariko shifting in her sleep, but otherwise everything was quiet and calm. 

"I thought it would be difficult to give certain things up," Ushijima said at last. "My job, and—certain freedoms, I suppose. But...in many ways I adjusted more easily than I thought I could."

"I'm glad to hear it," Tooru said, surprised to realise how much he meant it.

Ushijima sipped his tea, then cleared his throat. "I think you will make fun of me for saying this, but to me...Mariko is a sort of miracle."

"A miracle?" Tooru asked, smiling at him.

"I...never thought I'd have the opportunity to have children," Ushijima murmured, looking down into the dregs of his tea. 

"Why not?" Tooru said without thinking. He started to laugh. "I know I wasn't always your biggest fan, but even I can admit you seem perfectly marriageable. If Iwa-chan could find someone willing to marry him…" 

He trailed off at the look on Ushijima's face: the deep discomfort evident in the crease of his brow, the tightness of his mouth. Ushijima swallowed, and Tooru snapped his mouth shut.

"When I—I told you I wasn't the type to marry," Ushijima ventured softly. "I was speaking euphemistically. I am not interested in women."

Tooru froze. "Ah." His hands tightened around his cup. "That, I—" He took a deep breath, gathering himself. "Thank you for telling me."

Ushijima nodded.

"I see now," Tooru ventured, offering him a small smile, "why she's a miracle to you."

"Thank you, Oikawa," Ushijima said, voice warm. 

"I feel like I should confess something too," Tooru murmured, the words bubbling up inside him, suffocating him.

Ushijima frowned. "There is no need"

"No, I—I'd like to, if you don't mind...?"

"Of course not," Ushijima said.

Tooru swallowed. "You see, I—" He grimaced. "I'm sure you've noticed that I haven't been at work recently. We've bumped into each other so many times..." He chanced a glance at Ushijima, but the other man only watched him calmly. Tooru took another deep breath. "The thing is that I—I lost my job, and now..." He laughed weakly. "Now I really don't know what to do."

"Are you having money difficulties?"

"No, no, nothing like that," Tooru said, laughing again without humour. "I just—I don't think I know how to be. It feels like I don't know who I am anymore."

Ushijima was quiet. When he spoke, it was slow, considering. "I can't pretend to know how you feel," he said softly, "but I know what it is to...question oneself. One's sense of self. If you ever need to talk, know that I will listen."

His words made Tooru's throat burn, and he swallowed against the feeling several times before he was able to speak. "Well," he said briskly, after a few moments of awkward silence. "This wasn't as lighthearted as I'd hoped."

"I apologise—"

"No, no—" Tooru said quickly. "I didn't mean you. I'm glad you shared with me."

"And I you. I'm sure that you are tired of talking about Mariko, however," Ushijima offered. "I confess, it is refreshing to have a conversation with someone who can talk back."

Tooru laughed. "That's a low bar to clear. And Mariko is _much_ cuter, really I think you're better off with her." 

Ushijima shook his head. "I think you are a worthy challenger."

It took a few moments for his meaning to penetrate; when it did, a flush spread across Tooru's cheeks. "Ushiwaka!" he said, laughing in surprise.

"My apologies," Ushijima murmured, ducking his head. "It was a joke. I hope I haven't made you uncomfortable."

"Never," Tooru assured him. "You should always feel free to shower me in compliments."

"Perhaps I shall wait until you're not fishing for them."

Tooru grinned. "You could be waiting a long time."

Ushijima returned his smile easily. "I do not mind."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> posting chaptered fics is hard, your love is so appreciated ♥


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: I think I'll write SLOW BURN  
> me, writing slow burn and crying: why aren't they kissing yet

When the weekend rolled around, Tooru dragged himself out of bed early to go for a run, as he'd agreed to help Iwaizumi move into his new apartment. It was cool but fairly humid when Tooru finally set off to meet him. Iwaizumi had given him the code for his building, and met him at the front door to his apartment, wearing athletic shorts and a tank top. "Keep your shoes on," he said, as he grasped Tooru's wrist in greeting. "Don't want you to break any toes."

Tooru snorted. "When you drop a box on me, you mean."

"You're the butterfingers between the two of us, Princess."

"Keep talking like that and I'm going to start dropping them on purpose," Tooru said, grinning at him. "I hope you don't have too many breakables."

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes. "Not for long, apparently."

They got to work, exchanging snatches of conversation as they went. They had never needed much time to catch up, even when it veered toward years rather than months since they'd seen one another, and Tooru was grateful for some company in which he could be quiet, in which most things went unspoken. They shifted and assembled furniture for a couple of hours, then Iwaizumi set Tooru to unpacking his kitchen while he busied himself sorting out his clothes and bedding. Eventually they broke for lunch, wiping the sweat from their faces before traipsing downstairs to eat at a little family run restaurant across the street. 

"This is just the kind of place Emiko used to hate," Iwaizumi observed as they sat sipping beer and waiting for their food to arrive. 

"Careful, Iwa-chan," Tooru said with a faint smirk. "I can't tell if that's spite or nostalgia."

Iwaizumi took a deep breath and sighed it out, running his fingers through his hair. "It's not that I don't miss her, but I'm relieved things are finally resolved."

Tooru nodded. "You seem happier."

"Yeah, maybe." He glanced sidelong at Tooru. "How come you're not seeing anyone right now?"

Tooru shrugged. "Who knows."

Frowning, Iwaizumi leaned closer and nudged him with an elbow. "Come on, something's bothering you. What is it?"

"There's just...so much pressure," Tooru said, sighing. "If I met someone now, my family would be more involved than ever. It would be a race against time for us to get married, have babies, all of that—" He waved a vague hand in the air. "— _stuff_."

"Mm. Still not what you want?"

"I don't want to do it under _duress_ ," Tooru said, grimacing. 

Iwaizumi huffed. "I don't get it. Your mom's already got grandkids. Great-grandkids even."

"I know," Tooru agreed mournfully. "She should have a little compassion for Auntie. You're getting divorced, and Chiakkun is too busy gallivanting around the world to settle down. Who's going to give _her_ grandchildren now?"

With a derisive snort, Iwaizumi shoved him hard enough that he almost toppled off his stool. "I'm pretty sure she gave up on me years ago. I feel bad for Chiakkun, it's all on him now."

"Don't talk like that!" Tooru said, shaking Iwaizumi's shoulder. "You're not over the hill yet, Iwa-chan, although you _are_ getting those sexy grey streaks—"

Iwaizumi burst out laughing. "Watch it, Shittykawa," he said with a feral grin. They were both due to turn thirty-six shortly, and Tooru had a feeling it was bothering him far more than it was Iwaizumi. 

Their food arrived shortly, and they both ate with relish. They picked up more beer on their way back to Iwaizumi's apartment, and the rest of the unpacking progressed at a more sedate pace as they drank and chatted while they worked. 

"Hey," Iwaizumi said, tossing Tooru the bottle opener a couple of hours later. "Thanks for helping out today."

"Not a problem," Tooru said, flashing him a peace sign. "The great Oikawa-san is always kind to those in need."

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes. "You're insufferable." He lifted his hand to catch the bottle opener as Tooru tossed it back again. "I mean it, I know you've been busy at work lately. I appreciate you taking the time."

Tooru's expression froze. "Work, yes," he said, his teeth bared in an uncomfortable rictus. "Very busy."

Iwaizumi frowned at him. "What is it?"

"Nothing," Tooru said faintly. The beer swirled in his gut. He wanted to be sick. "Everything's fine."

Crossing the apartment, Iwaizumi snatched the beer out of Tooru's hand and pushed him back two steps until the backs of his knees hit the couch. "Sit down," he said sternly, putting a hand on Tooru's shoulder.

"I'm fine."

"You're freaking out. Sit down, moron."

Tooru sat heavily. He put his head in his hands. "I'm sorry," he said in a thin voice.

"Shh," Iwaizumi muttered, putting a heavy hand on top of his head and ruffling his hair gently. He dropped to a crouch, and put his hands on Tooru's knees instead. "Hey, you with me?"

Tooru nodded tightly. His eyes and throat were burning. 

"Something wrong at work?"

The burning intensified. Tooru nodded. 

"Okay," Iwaizumi said softly. "Wanna talk about it?"

Tooru shook his head, but then he paused, and slowly nodded. He was tired of this weighing on him. His chest hurt with keeping this inside. "I—g-got—f-fired," he stammered. "Six—weeks ago."

There. It was out. His chest and throat ached where the words had passed through, like traumatised tissue in the wake of a bullet. He waited for Iwaizumi to yell. Tooru deserved to be yelled at for keeping something like this a secret. But Iwaizumi didn't say anything. The breath seized in Tooru's chest as he counted to ten, eleven, twelve—Iwaizumi must have been preparing something truly volcanic after a pause that long. Tooru screwed his eyes shut more tightly, preparing himself for the onslaught. 

Then Iwaizumi leaned closer, and put his arms around him. 

"What?" Tooru said in a shocked breath.

"Tooru," Iwaizumi said, his voice achingly delicate. He held Tooru more tightly. "I'm so sorry."

To his own surprise and horror, Tooru began to cry. Huge, painful sobs wracked him, and he eventually lifted his head far enough to press it into Iwaizumi's shoulder, hands tentatively moving to wrap around his back. Iwaizumi held him through it all, strong arms keeping him from shaking apart. Tooru hadn't cried in years, and he couldn't remember crying like this since he was a child, but he was too lost in the feeling to be embarrassed by it. 

When his sobs finally began to subside, Iwaizumi pulled back, and grabbed a towel from the table nearby for him to wipe his face with.

"S-sorry, Iwa-chan," Tooru stumbled, wiping tears and snot on the towel. 

Iwaizumi looked at the wet, snotty patch on his shoulder with a rueful smile. "Is there anything in your head except mucus and hot air?"

Tooru laughed weakly. "Not much, no."

Iwaizumi cuffed him gently on the side of the head. "Hey. I'm glad you told me."

"Aren't you going to shout at me?" Tooru murmured, looking aside.

"I probably should," Iwaizumi said, "but I get the sense you've already been giving yourself a hard time. I doubt anything I say would make it better."

Tooru bit his lip. He felt like crying again. 

"What happened?"

"N-nothing," Tooru muttered, wiping at his face with the heel of his hand. "I j-just couldn't handle it anymore. I was all over the place, made some bad decisions, we lost some clients. No matter what I did, I just couldn't focus..."

Iwaizumi made a face. "And they just fired you for that?"

Tooru shook his head. "I—sort of—" He grimaced. "Had a breakdown at work. They suggested I take some time, to recover. But they don't want me back, and I—I don't think I want to go back."

"I can understand that."

Tooru nodded. He sniffed loudly, and chewed his bottom lip. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"No," Iwaizumi said, shaking his head. "It's okay, anyone would find it hard to talk about this." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Does anyone know?"

Tooru chewed his lip more frantically. "Just—just Ushijima."

Iwaizumi's eyebrows shot up to his hairline. "Ushiwaka knows?"

"He's...surprisingly easy to confide in," Tooru said apologetically, a smirk tugging at his mouth. 

"Surprising is the word," Iwaizumi said, laughing.

"Sorry," Tooru said again. 

Iwaizumi was shaking his head. "Stop apologising, you're giving me the creeps."

Tooru laughed wetly. "Thanks, Hajime."

"Mm," he hummed, waving off Tooru's thanks. He sat back on his heels, watching Tooru with a thoughtful expression. "So...you've actually been hanging out with Ushiwaka?"

"A little," Tooru said, shrugging. "He's always out with Mariko-chan, and we seem to bump into each other all the time."

"Mariko…?" Iwaizumi asked, frowning. "Is that his wife, or his baby?"

Tooru laughed. "About that," he said, before going on to explain about Ushijima's sister. 

Iwaizumi was appropriately surprised by the truth about Ushijima adopting Mariko, and he had a decidedly impressed look on his face as he sat back, sipping his beer. 

"He's kind of a stand up guy, huh?"

"I...think he might be," Tooru admitted. 

Iwaizumi smirked. "Does it make you feel a little bad for hating him all these years?"

Tooru's nose wrinkled. "Absolutely not," he said fiercely. "He was insufferable, and he deserved it."

"Wow," Iwaizumi said in a deadpan voice, rolling his eyes. "You really never change."

Tooru hummed. "Ushiwaka said that too." He didn't mention that so had Satou. 

"Yeah? Does that bother you?"

There was an easy dismissal on the tip of his tongue, but Tooru forced himself to pause, and consider. His life hadn't been _easy_ , but it had, for the most part, more or less followed the plan he'd made for himself back in school. The only thing that hadn't come along as he'd expected was a relationship, a family. Tooru had never planned those things so much as pencilled them in margins, a vague assumption that at some point they would fall into place, despite knowing deep down that making those things happen would require some sort of sacrifice. One he'd never been willing to make. 

"Did I do the wrong thing in breaking up with Etsuko?" he mused. 

Iwaizumi blinked, and set down his beer with a dull thud. "That was almost a year ago. Or did you guys get back together?"

Tooru shook his head.

"Wait, didn't she dump _you_?"

"Not the point," Tooru said, waving his hand dismissively. "She wouldn't have broken up with me if I'd actually—listened, or cared, or—" He sighed, shaking his head. "I don't know."

"Tooru," Iwaizumi said, reaching out. He propped his hands on Tooru's knees, and shuffled closer. "Hey, listen."

Tooru let loose a reluctant giggle. "You're drunk, Iwa-chan."

Iwaizumi shook his head. "Listen. You're a smart guy—"

"Why thank you—"

"But sometimes you're dumb as shit."

"Iwa-chan!" 

"Even if you did fuck things up, what's the use of crying about it now?" Iwaizumi said gruffly. "Put your energy towards a situation you _can_ do something about." He sat back, shrugging. "Be nice to Ushiwaka and his kid. It won't kill you."

Tooru snorted. "Probably."

"Probably," Iwaizumi said, grinning. 

"Thanks, Hajime."

—

The following week, Tooru boarded the train back to Sendai for his mother's much anticipated birthday party. His sister had assured him that the event would be family only, but when they pulled into the driveway, she reached out to lay a hand on his knee. "By the way, Mum and Dad invited a few other people over."

Tooru stared at her. "What? Who?"

"Oh, you know. The Iwaizumis, some of Dad's work colleagues, those old women Mum plays cards with…"

"Oh, no," Tooru groaned, knocking his head back against the headrest. "They're going to ask me so many _questions_."

Mikako snorted as she touched up her makeup in the rearview mirror. "You love the attention, you always have."

Tooru clenched his teeth together tightly. 

"Come on, baby brother," she teased, shaking his leg briefly before pulling away. "I know you're in your element at things like this."

"I—" Tooru began, but it was useless, as Mikako was already stepping out of the car and striding toward the house. Grimacing, Tooru took a deep breath, then followed her.

Takeru was passing through the hallway as they entered. "Mum!" he called out, walking over to Tooru's sister. "Take this, would you?" He handed off his squalling three year old, and moved to greet Tooru with a handshake.

"Take-chan!" Mikako protested, turning Eiko the right way up in her arms. "I'm your mother, not your babysitter."

"Baa-chan!" Eiko wailed, flinging her arms around Mikako's neck. 

Mikako sighed and gave the little girl a squeeze. "There, there, was your daddy being mean to you?" she soothed, stroking the little girl's hair. She strode away, doing her best to keep Eiko's sticky fingers out of her perfectly coiffed hair, while Tooru and Takeru shared a private look of amusement. 

"Good work, Take-chan," Tooru said, slinging an arm around his nephew's shoulder. "How're you doing?"

"Exhausted," Takeru sighed. "I should've listened to Mum when she told us not to have kids."

"Maybe," Tooru said, grinning. "It certainly makes life easier if you do what they tell you."

Takeru huffed. "Mum never did what she was told."

"That's true," Tooru said, and gave Takeru's shoulders a friendly shake. "You're proof of that."

"Yeah, yeah," Takeru sighed, shrugging him off. "I'd better see how Ayumi's getting on. She took the baby upstairs to feed."

Tooru grinned. "I'm excited to see them both."

"Yeah. See you in a bit, Tooru."

Tooru watched his nephew vanish up the stairs with a sinking feeling. At least having a six month old gave Takeru and his wife the perfect excuse to disappear from the party if they needed to. Tooru had the brief, hysterical thought that he should have invited Ushijima and Mariko along to give himself a similar excuse, and dismissed it just as quickly. His parents didn't even know that he was interested in men, there was no way he could explain the sudden appearance of both Ushijima _and_ a baby. 

Tooru's train of thought derailed at the realisation that there would be no need for him to explain Ushijima to his family. They were just friends, after all. Sighing, he continued along the hallway and stepped into the living room. 

"Here he is, Mum," Mikako called. She already had a drink in hand, having managed to extricate herself from Takeru's toddler, who was now being bounced on her grandfather's knee. 

"Oh, Tooru!" their mother Sayaka said when he approached her, turning to pat him on the shoulder and beckoning him down so she could kiss his cheek. "There you are, darling. Come and say hello."

"Hello, Mama, happy birthday."

"Thank you, dear," she said, beaming up at him. She reached up and tweaked the fall of his hair over his eyebrow. "Dear me, I think you have a few more grey hairs than last time we saw you. Has work been running you ragged?"

"Mama, please," Tooru said, forcing a laugh as he waved her away. He ran his hand through his hair self-consciously. "Beauty is on the inside, you know."

Sayaka and her friends laughed.

"He's right, Sayaka-san!" said one. 

"What a smart boy," another agreed. 

Tooru managed to extricate himself after a few minutes, and greeted Iwaizumi's parents briefly before being forced to mingle with the remainder of the guests. He was on his way to say hello to Takeru's wife Ayumi when he was waylaid by another of his mother's friends. 

"Tooru! Your mother told us you were bringing your girlfriend."

Tooru's jaw clenched, but he forced himself to relax and smile. "I'm not seeing anyone just at the moment, Auntie," he said, brandishing his glass of wine like a shield in front of him. "How are you doing now? You're looking so well, all recovered now I hope?"

"Oh, you sweet boy," she sighed, fluttering a hand at him. "I'm doing much better—oh! Chiho, come and greet Tooru-kun—"

The rest of the afternoon passed in much the same way. Having been away so long, and being one of the few remaining children and grandchildren who was unmarried, Tooru was a prime piece of conversation real estate, and he wearily forced himself to smile and nod and flirt through increasingly tedious exchanges with his parents' friends and relatives. 

Takeru and Ayumi were able to slip away early with the children, and Tooru watched them go with a longing look. He began to think that he really should have brought Ushijima with him, and he began looking for an excuse to slip away himself so that he could text him. He finally found a gap in the conversation and excused himself to the bathroom. 

Ushijima, it turned out, had already messaged him. _Mariko is sitting up_ , his message read, accompanied by a picture of Mariko beaming up at the camera, sitting on her playmat.

Tooru grinned. _Is that her first time sitting up on her own?_

_Yes. I hope I'm not disturbing you._

_Not at all_ , Tooru wrote back. _It's very boring here, tell me what you've been up to._

Ushijima's reply was a minute or so in the making. In the meantime, Tooru forwarded the photo of Mariko to Iwaizumi with the caption: _HOW is Ushiwaka related to something this cute??_ Finally, Ushijima responded.

_I went to the gym this morning, but Mariko got very upset at being left in the crèche and I had to leave early. After that we went to the park, and then picked up some groceries. I met a young woman with a baby of a similar age, she recommended a dance class that we may try out next Thursday. I fear Mariko may be a little too young for such a class, but I'm sure she will enjoy the music._

Tooru smiled, but Ushijima sent another message before he could respond. 

_Mariko and I are going to feed the ducks tomorrow afternoon. I remember you saying that you were fond of ducks. I would have invited you, but I assume you will still be in Sendai._

Tooru hesitated briefly before responding. He would have to take an early train to be back in time to meet Ushijima, which would displease his family. He thought it might be worth it to escape this stifled feeling, not to mention the disappointed looks on his parents' faces. 

_I'll be there_ , he wrote back, pushing aside the sound of his mother's voice in his head.

"Tooru!" 

In reality, however, there was no escaping said voice just yet.

"Coming, Mama!" he called, steeling himself before returning to the party. 

—

There was a deathly silence the next morning when he announced that he needed to head back several hours earlier than expected. 

"I thought you were staying until this evening," his mother said at last, her polite tone strained. 

"Unfortunately there's something at work that needs my input this afternoon," Tooru lied smoothly. He glanced aside, and caught Takeru's eye. His nephew grimaced, clearly anticipating an argument. 

When Sayaka spoke again, her tone was deceptively light. "Can't you at least stay until after lunch? I was hoping you could help me go through some old things."

"Next time I'm back," Tooru promised. 

"And when will that be?" she snapped. 

"Mum," Mikako said in a warning tone. 

"We haven't seen you in months, and now you're leaving again as soon as you get here?"

"Dear—" Tooru's father attempted, but he was silenced with a gesture. 

"Hajime-kun visits _his_ parents, and there's none of this messing around refusing to get married."

Tooru's insides plummeted. Of all the people to compare him to, that one stung more than most. "So," he snapped, the catty tone coming out before he could stop it, "you'd prefer I married the first person I met? And then went through a miserable, messy divorce before I even turned forty?"

Takeru sucked in a breath, while Mikako groaned. Ayumi quietly picked up the baby and excused herself.

"That's not what I'm saying, and you know it," Sayaka said crossly, drawing herself up in her seat. "And don't act so ungrateful, Tooru. We've never interfered in your life—when you wanted to play volleyball, when you wanted to _keep_ playing volleyball, when you wanted to focus on your career—"

"You already _have_ grandchildren!" Tooru said, exasperated. "You have _great_ -grandchildren—" He paused and glanced at his nephew. "Uh. Sorry, Take-chan—"

Takeru grimaced. "I'm going to see if Ayumi needs any help."

Sayaka barely noticed; she fixed Tooru with a glare and huffed out in annoyance. "Don't you see that I'm thinking of _you_ , Tooru? Who's going to take care of you when you get older? Or if you get sick and have to stop working, when then—"

Tooru shoved his chair back with a screech. His parents and sister all stared up at him, their faces blank and stunned. "I'm going now, Mama," he said very quietly. "Thank you for having me."

"Tooru—"

"Will you drive me to the station, Nee-san?"

Mikako startled to her feet.

"Mika-chan, don't you dare," Sayaka said, throwing a hand out across the table. Tooru met her furious gaze. His father was looking between them helplessly. "Tooru," she said, a warning clear in her voice.

"Goodbye, Mama," Tooru said.

"What's the _matter_ with you?" she called after him as he stepped out into the hallway. 

Tooru bit his lip, trying to steady himself, but his eyes were stinging as he finally got his shoes laced and moved out into the grey morning. Mikako followed a few moments later, closing the door quietly behind them. They stood together for a moment in silence, then she reached out and squeezed his shoulder firmly, wordless. Tooru's throat was tight. 

"Let's go," she said softly. 

He nodded, and picked up his suitcase. 

They drove most of the way to the station in silence. Despite their differences, Tooru and his sister understood one another, mostly. He'd always been close to their mother, while Mikako had been a daddy's girl, but something they had in common was that neither of them had done what their parents wanted or expected of them. 

As they approached the station, Mikako cleared her throat. "Tooru."

Tooru clenched his jaw. "Please don't ask me about it," he whispered.

"I won't," she said, her tone unusually gentle. "I just wanted to remind you that you're not on your own."

Tooru couldn't speak, his throat tight.

"I don't care what Mum and Dad think." She reached out and covered his hand with hers. "I'm still your big sister. I'm here if you need me."

"...Thank you," he managed to say.

Mikako nodded. "And I don't care if you get married or not. Stay single, marry a guy if you want, whatever. It's your life."

Her words paralysed him. He couldn't move. Couldn't make a sound. "W-what—" he stammered, trying in vain to regain his composure. "What makes you think—why would I—" 

"Tooru, relax," Mikako said, glancing over at him. "I was just kidding."

"R-right," Tooru said. He looked down at his hands, clenching them into fists against his thighs. He remembered, once, when he was young, asking Mikako what _being gay_ meant. He thought of what Satou had said, about there being a _rumour_ about him at his old job. 

"Tooru?"

Lifting his head, he realised that they'd pulled into the car park near the station. 

Mikako gave him an encouraging smile. "Are you sure you want to go?"

Tooru nodded. "Of course," he said, rallying himself. He'd done enough wallowing. "Lots of work to do. Thank you for the lift. Tell Mama I'll call her soon."

"Take care of yourself, Tooru," Mikako said, as she retrieved his suitcase for him. She put an arm around his neck and pulled him in for a hug. "I'll love you no matter what, alright?"

"Nee-san," he complained, a flush staining his ears and the back of his neck. He hugged her back, recognising that compliance would be his only means of escape, and sure enough she released him a moment later. 

"See you soon," she said as they parted.

Tooru managed a grin. "How do you make that sound like a threat?"

"Years of practice."

—

When he arrived back in Tokyo, Tooru hurried back to his apartment to shower and change, then rushed out again to meet Ushijima and Mariko. They were already waiting for him when he arrived at the park, and Tooru's heart felt a thousand times lighter as he walked over to greet them.

"Oikawa," Ushijima said, acknowledging him with a nod and a small smile. "You made it."

"I did say I'd be here," Tooru replied, beaming. "And how's my little princess today?" Mariko cooed at him as he bent over her pram, and Tooru laughed. "Can I pick her up?"

"Of course."

Tooru happily scooped up a squirming Mariko, propping her against his shoulder so that she could look around her. "I think she missed me," he said, bouncing her gently. 

Ushijima nodded, humouring him. "I'm certain that she did."

"Who wouldn't?" Tooru said, with enthusiasm he didn't feel. 

"Did you have a pleasant time with your family?" Ushijima asked.

Tooru barked with laughter. He curbed it quickly, but Ushijima still watched him with a curious look on his face, as though he wasn't sure whether there was a joke he'd missed. "It was...tolerable," Tooru said with a grim smile.

"You don't get on with your family?" Ushijima asked. 

"No, I do," Tooru sighed, shaking his head. "It was lovely to see my nephew and his girlfriend, and the babies." He trailed off, trying and failing to think of anything else about the event that he'd actually enjoyed. "What have you been up to, anyway?"

Ushijima frowned, considering his answer. "Mariko and I went to a story and song class at the community centre." He paused, as though there were more to follow, but none came. 

Tooru watched him expectantly. "Is that all?"

"I also spoke with my mother. She wants me to visit with Mariko in a few weeks."

Without meaning to, Tooru started laughing, to which Mariko responded by burbling in his ear and clapping one tiny hand against his shoulder. Tooru shifted her in his arms with a murmured apology. "Don't take this the wrong way, Ushiwaka-chan," he said at Ushijima's puzzled look, "but do you have friends?"

Ushijima wasn't affronted. Instead he considered Tooru's question for several moments before he replied. "I have several friends."

"Current friends?" Tooru prompted. "You know, people you spend time with that aren't me or Mariko."

"Ah." Ushijima winced. "It's...true that I haven't managed to keep in touch with many people since first finding out about Akiko."

Tooru hummed in sympathy. "It must have been a shock, to hear that she was pregnant. So young. You must still think of her as your baby sister."

Ushijima nodded, a pained look on his face. "She had a boyfriend at the time. I believe they were just...careless."

"It only takes one little slip," Tooru agreed sadly. At that moment Mariko decided that she'd had enough of being held, and began to squirm more determinedly in Tooru's arms, whining loudly. He handed her off to Ushijima, who sat her up on his knee and started to bounce her. 

"Actually, the same thing happened to my older sister," Tooru said, watching Mariko look between them, her little face open with wonder. "That's why my nephew and I are so close in age."

"I did not realise."

"Takeru is the same age as Iwa-chan's little brother." He grinned and added, "We've always suspected Chiaki was an accident, actually. But I suppose it doesn't matter."

"No," Ushijima agreed, nodding. "Not as long as he was loved."

"Oh yes," Tooru said, laughing. "Very much so. Especially by Iwa-chan, he really dotes on that kid."

"Chiaki-kun is lucky to have a brother like that."

Tooru smiled and reached out to touch his arm. "So is Akiko-chan."

Ushijima's eyes widened, and a tinge of colour touched his cheeks. "Thank you, Oikawa," he said, his voice soft and surprised. 

"Don't look so startled," Tooru teased. "I can be nice when I choose to be."

"I know," Ushijima murmured. "I am grateful."

They held one another's gaze for several moments, then Tooru realised that his hand was still resting on Ushijima's forearm, and quickly pulled it away. "Anyway," he said, clearing his throat and dropping his voice to a stage whisper. "I've been meaning to ask, have you thought about what you're going to tell Mariko when she's older?"

Ushijima's mouth thinned. "You mean about her parents."

Tooru nodded.

"I don't know," Ushijima said with a sigh. "I don't wish to lie to her, but I must also consider Akiko's feelings. She and I will need to discuss it eventually."

"Don't worry about it too much," Tooru soothed. "Mariko has a loving home, and a wonderful father. She's going to be okay."

Ushijima nodded, and they sat together in a comfortable silence for several minutes. 

"Forgive me for prying," Ushijima said at length, "but I did not expect you to return from your parents' house so soon. I hope I didn't—"

"No," Tooru said quickly. His voice was too sharp. He closed his eyes and breathed in slowly. "It was nothing to do with you."

"I hope there is nothing wrong."

Tooru gave a humourless laugh. He reached out to touch one of Mariko's little mittened hands, squeezing her fingers gently. "Only with me," he sighed. "Mama is forever disappointed in me for not bringing home a nice girl."

"And you don't want to do that."

"Dating is the _last_ thing on my mind," Tooru huffed. "I don't know if it makes it better or worse that my sister and Takeru both have kids. You'd think Mama would be satisfied with that, but apparently she's not going to be happy until I complete the set."

Ushijima was quiet, considering. "When I was forced to stop playing, I had to undergo physiotherapy to recover. My therapist told me something." He paused. "Perhaps it is not my place to—"

"Oh, for goodness sake," Tooru said, half-exasperated and half-amused. "Just spit it out, Ushiwaka-chan."

"Very well," Ushijima said, smiling at his impatience. "He said that we should never compare our journeys to others. That each person moves at their own pace."

Tooru looked out at the grey surface of the lake. "Huh."

"Perhaps you will not find it useful, but I find it very encouraging."

"No, I like it," Tooru said. He looked over at Ushijima again, who was watching him intently. "Thank you, Ushijima," he murmured, looking away again from the other man's too-bright gaze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you are all amazing thank you SO MUCH for supporting this little fic (and me!) :3c

**Author's Note:**

> [RT on twitter](https://twitter.com/notallbees/status/1154141455948177408) | [my ushioi fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works?utf8=%E2%9C%93&commit=Sort+and+Filter&work_search%5Bsort_column%5D=revised_at&include_work_search%5Brelationship_ids%5D%5B%5D=1787338&work_search%5Bother_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bexcluded_tag_names%5D=&work_search%5Bcrossover%5D=&work_search%5Bcomplete%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_from%5D=&work_search%5Bwords_to%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_from%5D=&work_search%5Bdate_to%5D=&work_search%5Bquery%5D=&work_search%5Blanguage_id%5D=&fandom_id=758208&user_id=notallbees)


End file.
